MOBY'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING NYSC ORIENTATION CAMP

Hello lovelies.... I have always wanted to write this piece...way before I started this blog I knew I had to tell someone this before they go to camp…… IT WOULD NOT BE EASY AT ALL… I wish I can say it in such a way that won’t be scary but I can’t *oya come and take hug….I can see Bolade shaking already…Pele dear*. So being the nice girl (…yinmu), the solution provider and the fixer that I am (I’ve been feeling like Olivia Pope all day…. I know some people are lost already… soweee), I’m going to tell you a few things needed to survive your 3-week stay on the NYSC orientation camp. Wish I had someone to tell me some of these before I went to camp...well the time has come. I'm feeling like one babalawo (herbalist) now **shaking my rattler** Oya let's do this... Amaka, Summy, Linda, BOLADE oya o come and read this before you leave on Tuesday.

 So Tuesday morning, you shall be leaving your parents, family and friends to go and serve your fatherland *wink……please don’t cry… just chin up, smile and say your byes*. My prayer for all of you is that you all shall come back safe and sound. You need not worry about anything... Boko haram has got nothing on you... DO NOT BE AFRAID *doing my robot voice*. Well here’s a snapshot of what to expect the first 3 weeks of your National Youth Service Corps scheme:

 On registration day, come very early or very late; By early, I mean the night before and late is a day or two after registration day. If you don’t heed this advice and like me you waltz into camp at 8:30 a.m, on the D-day, make sure you have an umbrella because you’ll be standing in the sun for the next 8 hours waiting to register but if you are fine like me (**yes ke**), just be using bobbi power (breast power) to jump the queue. When I got to the camp gate, I just switched to sexy mode *you wanna try*...even the soldier at the gate fell for my sexiness. I had him carry my luggage to my room and another soldier even secured my room for me...I need to bring my sexy back ASAP.

Also bring a bucket to the registration point because the standstill on the queue can go on for even more that 30 minutes thus you might need something to sit on (this bucket will also be useful for bathing for the next 3 weeks). If you’re a real butty chick, bring your own pillow to pad the bucket so it doesn’t hurt your bum or just keep doing sexy sexy for all those boys on the queue so they can let you in front of them. I'm sure that would really help. I'm not saying you should open your breast o..(**rolls eyes**)... You can be sexy without showing cleavage... I would have taught you how but time no dey anymore. Good luck to you on being sexy. To the guys, you are on your own o. Na only God fit favor you on top NYSC queue... LOL.

If you’re standing outside the queue, ask your neighbor to save your spot on the queue so you can check out the movement at the front. Of course what you’re really doing is looking for a familiar face further up the queue who would allow you jump the line. In camp, we called it “SHUNTING”. When you find such a person, quickly thank your old neighbor for watching your stuff and upgrade yourself.

Make friends. You'll need them in camp... To follow you to mami market, to sit with you during the boring lectures, to chill with when there's nothing to do. You might not be friends after camp but you need them in camp. Don't get to camp and be boning o. As a matter of fact, plaster a smile on your face at all time cos you never know….That boy standing by the side might just be one oga at the top's son. So smile at all times even when you need to use the toilet. Don't go and be forming on the queue o… else na there you go old. Below are pictures of some of the friends I made in camp..

Physically, Emotionally, Psychologically and Mentally prepare yourself. Registration will push you to the limit. No matter how tush you are, it would help you discover the ‘agbero’ in you. It’s a 2-5 day affair of shoving, yelling, sweating and smelling all sorts of body odors. Once you have an idea of what to expect, it would be easy to adapt to the new life you'll be living. I remember I used to say 'I can never do shot put’ (Shot put is an act of excreting(taking a shit)  in a nylon bag or disposable paper and then flinging the package far into wilderness or the bush after you are done.) It’s actually very disgusting'...you can imagine me saying that with my tiny voice. NEWS FLASH: I was doing shot put with about 20 other ladies at the same venue. I normally won't poop when people are watching but mehn you never know what you can do until you are faced with no option. I became an expert shot putter…I got so good I started doing discus and javelin sef…LMAO… Never say never.

Below are the essentials to bring to NYSC camp

- Small Bucket (unless you can carry a large one across a hundred feet)

- Dettol...you'll need plenty of it.

- Multiple blankets and bed sheets.

- Mosquito net and insect repellants

- Flashlight and extra batteries for your phone…and be ready to pay around N50 a day to charge your phone and extra battery keeps your phone on when the other is charging so you would always be connected and you can still check your favorite blog…”D-O-A-L-D-Q” * bats lashes*

- White T shirts, white shorts, white socks and white sneakers. Take your own to camp because when you see the white shorts and t-shirts NYSC has in store for you, you would be convinced that someone somewhere had planned and designed it so that you look like a clown. You are expected to wear those throughout the 3-week period, except on Sundays (till 6pm). Also you might not get your size. The Federal government does the one-size-for-all and then you are asked to manage it or look for someone to swap with. I wasn't so lucky.

- Drugs - Diarrhea drugs (you might need it at some point), Vitamin C, aspirin, antibiotics and malaria drugs

- Laundry soap

- Bathroom slippers

- For the ladies… Try as much as possible to bring plain black / white bras.(don’t bring rainbow colored bras**rolls eyes**. Sports bras are the best because for most of your time in camp, you would be doing physical exercises. You don't want your ladies over the place when you're jogging and jumping.

-Toilet Roll

-Food flask and cutlery. No one will judge you so don't bother. You are big girl with or without it.

- Money…(*very important) to buy food and anything else you forget to bring along from the mami market and other vendors around. Food would be provided on camp but if you are a true ajebuta, take plenty money because you'll be needing it for mami market food and social gatherings**wink**.  I advise men to take extra money as well, you know, you might just want to pay for that fine girl’s lunch at mami market.

- Waist pouch

- Stationary (pen, paper, gum, tipex, stapler, tape etc)

- EARPIECE!!. How well do I stress this... YOU NEED IT AT ALL TIMES COS YOU WOULD GET BORED DURING LECTURES. Buy extras if you have the money to.

Now If you manage risk well and you can handle heartbreaks or you have the best security measures, then you bring these along: Digital camera, iPod, ipad, your 90,000 naira cellphone…bb Z10, Samsung galaxy s5 and other stuffs like that... The morale of the above story is ‘please leave anything expensive at home cos it would be stolen. Some people come to camp to steal…not only fellow corpers oo, some other people who should be working or selling on the camp also try to shop for themselves sometimes… you do not need to take anything electric e.g. Pressing iron, boiling rings, electric cooker e.t.c. You won’t be using it.

The toilet facilities on camp are usually shabby mainly as a result of improper use by corpers, so unless you want to perfect the act of shot putting your waste, don’t bring milk, Cereals, biscuit or anything that will accelerate your digestive processes….(aka shit provoking chops).

There are some guys on camp whose business is to follow you around and snap you wherever you go. They might charge up to N2,000 for the duration of the camping. You must insist they give you all your photos and videos in whatever format at the end of Camping. They might decide to use it for advert after you leave camp. Well, good for you or bad for you depending on the situation. I got a call from a friend that got posted to my orientation camp and he said he saw my picture on one of their bill boards. Well there's nothing I can do. Nothing can make me go back to that village called Iseyin. So if you like your privacy and don’t like being in the spotlight, you can tell them before hand.

Lastly, HAVE FUN. I didn't do all that cos I was suffering from heartbreak and I was boning up and down camp. Please have fun but don't go and have sex with a stranger because you want to have fun o…Moby did not say that oo…Infact, you should avoid having sex so you don’t have to name a child ‘Camperlina, Campos, Camploseyi, Moseyinicamp, etc. Let me also add, you have definitely heard of Ebola…so please be careful…add HAND SANITIZERS to your list of must- haves on camp…Don’t worry ‘no plague would come near your dwelling’.

Aaahhhh! I don taya..I think this is the longest post yet on this blog. Mehn the things I do for love... If there's anything I didn't include, please guys help our newest Otondos in town. Thank you *mwaaaah*